Today I had the IUI. The sperm looked like half a teaspoon of clear fluid – ‘very concentrated’ the nurse said. Just one lucky swimmer I thought to myself – please, please, please.

It wasn’t as humiliating as I thought it might be. It didn’t hurt. It was over very quickly. I even let the nurse practice on me…

It was a little sad. I was lying on the bed thinking that this really isn’t the best way to make a baby. God I hope it works. Have a long 2 week wait to see if it has worked.

My stomach has been bloated and I have been feeling puffy and emotional for over a week now. My left side is sore (that was were the 2 little follicles were), more so than the right. I guess it feels a bit pre-menstrual, have been eating like a horse, and getting upset about the little stuff.

Have been upset about some big stuff too. One of my ‘besties’ – a girl I have been friends with since we were 15 (21 years now) has been having IVF treatment for over a year now. They haven’t had any luck and she gets more brittle and shrill with every attempt. I have been there for her, I have heard blow by blow descriptions – of the sex, the procedures etc etc, I have really listened.

If I was to narrow it down to what got me to this point I would say it was turning 36, it was my dog dying (he was not a substitute for a baby BUT I loved him), and it was L’s troubles getting pregnant – all of this got me to where I thought – it is now or never – “YOU are getting too OLD” – my ovaries are shrivelling, my eggs are drying out. So I went to see the doctor.

I really debated and struggled about telling her my plans, I was worried about how she would react (my subconscious told me that she would not be happy – every thing always has to be about her) – she had said negative things about other pregnant women before (because of her own frustrations). It took me weeks to get the courage up – I even told her in public so she wouldn’t react too badly – she didn’t, she was excited, she celebrated, she said all the right things – and then she didn’t call for over a month….

It was her birthday last week and I tried for days to get in touch – I think she was screening her calls – she finally arranged for us to catch up (and then included another friend of hers who I do not know) for lunch. When I moved back to this town a few years ago she never wanted to include me with her ‘new’ friends. She is very image conscious and I have never felt ‘cool’ enough to be introduced – she absolutely feels part of the IN crowd – whatever that means.

On Monday she had her egg pick-up – it must have gone badly as she called and cancelled our lunch on Tuesday. I texted and tried to call. She hung up on me. I KNOW that this is a sad time for her, I KNOW she is feeling like shit, she is vulnerable/miserable/depressed. BUT I think the friendship has changed, I think it changed the moment I told her that I was about to start fertility treatment to have my own family.

I have always been the friend who has listened  ad nauseum to her stories about herself – I resent the disapproval that I feel is coming my way (it may all be in my head).

Maybe it is the hormones – we are both full of them. I think I am losing my friend – and I think I might be ready to let her go… it is sad – we will see what happens.