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A friend said to me that if I didn’t believe somewhere deep down inside that the treatment would work, that I wouldn’t even attempt it. And I do believe that one day I will have this baby – I guess that is hope.

After re-reading my previous post and comments I wanted to add that although I think about all of the “what-ifs”, and although I do worry – I am hopeful about IVF.

I worry about what might not happen – BUT I also dream about my maybe-baby. I see it in my arms and I imagine the life that we will have. That is hope. 

I read a post here and it got me thinking…. Is it OK to worry?

Ms. Heathen talks about other people’s misplaced optimism and jumping ahead. She talks about how she was daunted by the IVF journey but how she also presumed that the various steps along her own journey would smoothly go ahead, and how she is thinking that maybe there won’t be a happy ending (Ms H – I really hope you do get your happy ending).

I am not like that – I worry (obsess) about everything, I don’t think that it will all go smoothly. I don’t speak it aloud but the doubts are always in my head. Other than my age I do not know that I have an infertility issue but I still worry that this won’t work out for me. I feel like a crazy-person. I tell my self to be rational….

I worry that I won’t respond to the drugs, I worry that I might over-respond to the drugs, I worry that my follicles will be empty, I worry that my eggs might not fertilise, I worry that they might not be viable enough to be transferred, I worry that they won’t implant, I worry that I won’t have embryos to freeze (just in case). I worry that I may never be pregnant.

Some might think that I have no right to worry – walk a mile in their shoes first – but the concerns are real. The fear is real. It might not be justified but it is with me constantly. I also worry that if I do get pregnant, that it might not end well. 

I read a lot of blogs. I have read alot about loss and grief lately. Never-ending trying to conceive. Much wanted pregnancies that ended in MC. Babies that die. Heartbroken women….

I want to be positive. I do not want to be scared. I start medication next week – the journey begins.

I want to tick off each milestone along the way. I want to be happy.

 I want my happy ending.

Nancy  asked a question on my last entry about would other people at an IVF information session think that my Mum was my partner? parent? whatever…  It got me thinking.

Do I care what “other people” think? I have never known anyone who had become a single mother by choice using IVF as their method. I have only told a few friends and Mum that this is what I am doing.

Mum is excited. Most of my friends are soooooo positive and hopeful for me. My oldest friend (who I blogged about in earlier entries) has not been happy. We caught up last weekend and she made small-talk before finally asking me about the doctors appointment. She was shocked! stunned! and not happy that I was going to be doing IVF in February (her and her man are having a break until they go again in April). I don’t get it.

I have made the decision that my kid/s will know where they came from. I will be including the word donor into our family story from the beginning. It will be open, it will be nothing to be embarrassed about, it will just be the way that it is. I will be open with people who care about me/us, I will tell others to mind their own business.

I wonder what others do.

I have been sick from work today. Have had a killer headache for the last 2 days. Think it must have been a cycle-related thing as it disappeared today with the arrival of AF – I was glad to see the start of this period as it is the start of the IVF process for me. Have been cruising through a lot of blogs and reading about the IVF journey of other women/couples. There are not many single women stories…

So many sad stories, happy endings, multiple births, never-ending journeys – I really don’t know if it good for me to read so many – I feel for these people, I start to worry about things that haven’t happened. I am a lurker on many blogs – I rarely comment, do others do that? I guess people put it out there because they want to share it, I started this blog to document the journey, maybe it might be interesting to someone.

I called Nurse Judy today and we discussed what is going to happen over the next 6 weeks. She will be in my town from 29 Jan and is running an information session for “first-cyclers”. I asked the clinic recptionist if I could bring someone along, and she said that partners were welcome – Hello!! No Partner, anyhoo…. – she said I can bring anyone I like – I will take Mum along. Gave Mum all of the literature that the clinic had sent so she is totally up on the “ins-and-outs” (so to speak) of the IVF process that I will be doing.

Judy will be sending me a copy of my plan and all of the contracts and consent forms in the next week or so. I will have an appointment with her Jan 30 to pick up my medications (and make the payment – owch!). Will double check that I still have the same donor sperm available.

This is my big chance, I have hope that this will work. I might make a baby this year!!! OMG! 

The appointment with Dr H went unbelievably well!! I had all of my options ready to discuss with him and he says:

“Why don’t we just go straight to IVF?”

I couldn’t believe it. I am so happy. This will be my best chance – 40% success rate for each transfer. He is happy for it to be Medicare funded – “Because of your age” – never thought I would be so happy to be considered OLD (at 36…). He also agreed to transfer 2 embryos. It is all good!!

I will be out of pocket about the same as an IUI. This is just fantastic news. I am so excited.

The IVF clinic is closed until Monday – will ring Judy then – Dr H agrees that she is not very flexible – he says he with deal with her if she has any issues with this. Woo hoo!! 

I might be a Mummy this year. Happy New Year.