Things didn’t go so well at the doctors today. I had my final blood test early this morning followed by an ultrasound.

When I walked into Dr H’s room for my ultrasound I told him I was feeling nervous – he answered with “me too”. WTF??? He had obviously seen my blood test results – E2 was only 1692 – he wanted it to be at least 4-5000. He said: “face it, you are getting old”. I made a nervous laugh and said something about wrinkles on my ovaries, he agreed.

The ultrasound was really depressing, there are 3 follicles on the left (15.6, 19.2, 20) and 1 on the right (15.7). He thinks I will probably lose the big one over the weekend. So maybe there will be 3. I know that this is not good. The odds aren’t good that there will be an egg in each, they probably won’t all fertilise.  I feel that I will be lucky if I get one embryo. I know that I might only need one BUT I believe the numbers, I read the stats, this is a numbers game and at the moment they aren’t in my favour.

I feel useless and helpless. I feel like such a dud. My body has let me down. I am so worried that there won’t be anything to transfer. I am worrying about the expense. I want to stop crying. These hormones are really fucking with my mind.

I wish I knew 5 years ago what I know now. I would have started much sooner. I feel that I have brought this on myself.

Waiting for the right time, waiting for the right man… not wanting to settle. I would settle now if I had the chance.