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I got the official word from the clinic today which just confirmed what I already knew. This cycle is over.

What plays most on my mind is that for a number of reasons I can only do 1 more cycle. Knowing that next cycle is my last is worrying. I have to pick myself up and get ready to go again. Will be commencing OCP as soon as AF arrives and hopefully start injections of Puregon and Luveris from 13 November. I am trying not to think too far ahead. Not ready to face what might be if this doesn’t work.

I will put in some photos of my beautiful girl. It is obvious (to me) looking at these why I want another one:

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I am 10 days past a Day 3 Transfer.

A lot has happened since my last post. I commenced the Progynova after the non-response/cancelled IVF in hopes of growing a thick enough lining to maybe do a FET.  A week later, miracle of all miracles my lining was thick enough.

The FET was booked to use my one and only frozen embryo. They thawed in on the Sunday afternoon with hopes of doing transfer on Monday. It was another long shot buy my dear little embryo thawed beautifully with no damage at all. 

On Monday 19 October the embryo was transferred (the scientist told me it had started compacting and was as good as an embryo can be!), I am now at Day 10 of the 2ww. I tested this morning a got a BFN – I am hoping it is just too early to tell, I waver between hope and sadness. I know that if I do not get a BFP that December will be my last chance of ever having another baby.

I really hope this miracle embryo sticks.

I started my current round of IVF 8 days ago and today it was cancelled.

I have had absolutely no response to the Gonal f – was on 450iui – I am really shocked that nothing happened, nothing at all.

The real kick in the guts is that my FS suspects ovarian failure and is predicting menopause by the time I reach early 40’s. I am 38 now. This has been devastating news. I don’t think I truly realised how much I want this next baby until the chance was taken away.

This cancelled cycle is being changed to a FET to give my one lonely frozen embryo a chance. I have one week to grow a lining (on Progynova 4 times daily) Dr is not hopeful and he doesn’t give the embryo (a Day 3-er) much of a chance at surviving the thaw. I will try to not pin all of my hopes on this but I am glad that this little one is getting a chance.

We will review my situation after this. Dr has seen some success in “under-responders” with the use of Puregon/Follistim 600iui plus Luveris. This combination is supposed to increase quality and quantity, I don’t know anything about it yet. Will have to do some research.

I thank the universe for my miracle girl and now I wait.

I will be going back to work on July 30 and it is not something that I am looking forward to. I want to stay home forever but finances (or lack of) demand that I must return. Money is the one thing that I really worry about, I wish that I was more financially secure. I have decided to return to work for only 2 days a week and we will be able to get by on that. There will be no spare money but it is a sacrifice that I am prepared to make for the next few years. Being a nurse means that I have an extremely flexible workplace – they are so desperate for staff that they will agree to anything to keep you. I also have the option of returning to fulltime hours anytime if I change my mind. At least my job is recession proof.

Childcare is another factor as it is so expensive (and hard to get). At some point you end up working just to pay for the childcare and that’s just crazy. Paige has been going for about 6 weeks now and she seems to be really enjoying it. There are plenty of activities and she is always smiling, clean and happy when I collect her. She sleeps well when she is there and eats all the food and bottles that I send with her. She doesn’t miss me at all. The staff seem to love her – she is a bit of a rockstar in the nursery. It has given me plenty of time to get used to her going and I feel very comfortable that she is getting excellent care.

Paige is such an amazing little person and she has opened my eyes to a side of life that I never new existed. The love I feel for her is overwelming and it has also made me realise that I don’t think that my family is complete yet.  I am going to try to have another baby. I have been to see my specialist, Dr Jim, and we have decided that another full round of IVF will be done in October. I will start my injections on 1st October. There have been changes in legislation here in Australia that will change the way that IVF is funded starting in January next year. Doing a round in October means that I will also be able to do another in December if it is required before the new rules start. It will be good to start seeing my acupuncture guy again too, I found it very beneficial last time and the research that I have read convinces me that it does improve pregnancy rates.

Paige rejected my breast milk about 4 weeks ago which was very sad for me (that is another post on its own) but it does mean that my cycle has come back and I will be able to proceed with IVF without having to take any extra medications. I will use the time between now and October to try to shed some kilos and get a bit healthier, the gestational diabetes knocked me around last time and Dr Jim says that it will come back again.

I will be 38 in about six weeks and I realise that time is against me. My poor old eggs didn’t do so well in previous rounds but I was lucky enough to get that one little embryo that stuck.

I will go into this next step with hope.

Is that crazy?

Before I had Paige I would have sworn to you that one child is enough. I can support one, I can give one more things, more time, more everything. But pretty much from the moment I saw her I thought that one day she could be all alone.

My family consists of my mother, my sister and me. There are distant (in another country) cousins/aunts/uncles but I have no real relationship and very little contact with them. My sister seems unlikely to have/want children. She is single, 35 and still not sure what she wants.

Paige will have no one in her generation. When we are all old or gone, she might be alone. Hopefully she will have a wonderful relationship and her own children if that is what she wants, but she will have no siblings or cousins that have known her throughout her life.

My sister and have a prickly kind of relationship. We love eachother, we get on great (for a couple of days at a time), after 35 years we both know that short-doses of eachother is what keeps our relationship healthy. We tell eachother things that we would never share with anyone else. The bond with a sibling is a special relationship that I think I want my daughter to have.

I did speak with Dr H at my 6 week check up about having another one.  I have one frozen embryo which has a reasonable chance. He suggested trying to transfer it at the end of this year if I decide to go ahead. WhenI got pregnant I reserved enough donor-sperm to do 3 more rounds of IVF, “just in case”.

Materially it is probably crazy to have another baby BUT I think it might be the best thing to do for my family. I will give myself a bit more time to consider (but not too much, these eggs aren’t getting any younger!).

Is that crazy?

Well I am wishing time would hurry up!!  I want to get on with this round of IVF, I want it to have already been done, I want to have my BFP!!

Had my appointment with the IVF nurse last week and collected all of my medications. Also had my second acupuncture appointment – it is so NOT relaxing!! I have looked at a lot of research which included a trial that involved over 800 women which clearly shows that pregnancy using IVF is twice as likely to occur with acupuncture. It has to be worth a go. My guy recommends a few sessions for relaxation and then followed up with a session prior to EPU and 2 sessions on day of ET (before and after).

Went to an information session that my clinic holds for “first cyclers” and have now decided to transfer one embryo. Dr H had advised that he was fine with tranfering 2 but after a lot of consideration I believe that the improved odds of pregnancy is only slight, compared with the greater chances of something going wrong with a multiple pregnancy. I don’t think I could take the guilt, I want to give my-maybe-baby the best chance it can have. I have decided that if the IVF works for me I will (hopefully) have some frozen embryos, will also store some of the donor’s sperm and then I have the chance for a second baby later.

Today is Day 5 of using the Synarel spray – have had a dull headache on and off the whole time and feeling tired. I take my last pill tomorrow morning.

Trying to be positive.

I read a post here and it got me thinking…. Is it OK to worry?

Ms. Heathen talks about other people’s misplaced optimism and jumping ahead. She talks about how she was daunted by the IVF journey but how she also presumed that the various steps along her own journey would smoothly go ahead, and how she is thinking that maybe there won’t be a happy ending (Ms H – I really hope you do get your happy ending).

I am not like that – I worry (obsess) about everything, I don’t think that it will all go smoothly. I don’t speak it aloud but the doubts are always in my head. Other than my age I do not know that I have an infertility issue but I still worry that this won’t work out for me. I feel like a crazy-person. I tell my self to be rational….

I worry that I won’t respond to the drugs, I worry that I might over-respond to the drugs, I worry that my follicles will be empty, I worry that my eggs might not fertilise, I worry that they might not be viable enough to be transferred, I worry that they won’t implant, I worry that I won’t have embryos to freeze (just in case). I worry that I may never be pregnant.

Some might think that I have no right to worry – walk a mile in their shoes first – but the concerns are real. The fear is real. It might not be justified but it is with me constantly. I also worry that if I do get pregnant, that it might not end well. 

I read a lot of blogs. I have read alot about loss and grief lately. Never-ending trying to conceive. Much wanted pregnancies that ended in MC. Babies that die. Heartbroken women….

I want to be positive. I do not want to be scared. I start medication next week – the journey begins.

I want to tick off each milestone along the way. I want to be happy.

 I want my happy ending.

The appointment with Dr H went unbelievably well!! I had all of my options ready to discuss with him and he says:

“Why don’t we just go straight to IVF?”

I couldn’t believe it. I am so happy. This will be my best chance – 40% success rate for each transfer. He is happy for it to be Medicare funded – “Because of your age” – never thought I would be so happy to be considered OLD (at 36…). He also agreed to transfer 2 embryos. It is all good!!

I will be out of pocket about the same as an IUI. This is just fantastic news. I am so excited.

The IVF clinic is closed until Monday – will ring Judy then – Dr H agrees that she is not very flexible – he says he with deal with her if she has any issues with this. Woo hoo!! 

I might be a Mummy this year. Happy New Year.

I have an appointment with Dr H on Wednesday.  I want to talk about getting a plan together. I am still getting conflicting stories from him and the IVF company….

Option 1

  • IUI in late January – depending on my cycle – 8hr drive to their clinic – overnight at a motel – Mum will come with me and share the drive – Full payment
  • IVF in April – Medicare funded

Option 2

  • IUI in February when they will be in my town – Full payment
  • IVF in April – Medicare funded (hopefully)

Option 3

  • IUI in their town – 8 hour drive  – full payment

AND (if not successful)

  • IUI in February when they will be in my town – hopefully Medicare funded
  • IVF in April – Medicare funded
The expense is a killer!! It is not fair. The Australian government wants us to all go out and multiply – they pay a big fat bonus for actually having a baby ($5000 in 2008) – they should make this easier for any person (married, single, other) to access government subsidised medical treatment. The out-of-pocket expenses still run into $000’s but anything would help.
My budget is limited – I would hate to think that my money ran out before my dream came true.
I have a feeling that Dr H may want to do some investigative surgery – I hope not – before commiting to IVF. I will have to wait and see what he has to say on Wednesday.
The not knowing and waiting is driving me mad. I know it is only early days but I do not want to become one of “those” women who constantly obsess about this.

I finally heard from my friend L a few days ago. She sent me a text asking if I would like to meet her and her man for breakfast at a cafe in town.

The text was breezy, friendly, normal…. I ignored it. I was angry, I was upset, I was confused, I wanted her to talk about what was going on. It was not going to happen at a cafe – there WAS going to be tears (and maybe harsh words).

She phoned me yesterday to confirm breakfast and I told her I wouldn’t be going. She wanted to drop off some Christmas stuff so we arranged for her to come to my house in the afternoon.

There were tears, there were harsh words, more tears, many apologies, much regret, and a lot of talking and clearing of the air. I am exhausted, spent….

She had been shocked and upset after thinking about my big announcement to have a baby. I don’t agree with it, BUT I can understand it.

She had received bad news about her own cycle (none of her eggs fertilised). She didn’t want to talk about it at the time, I understand that too, BUT to push me away when I also needed her really hurt, she understands that now.

She knows that I have been there month after month for her, she knows that I was so hurt that she wasn’t there for me.

She also knows that I feel very alone and that talking to her was one thing that I had been counting on – I am still struggling with trusting her with that now.

We have resolved to be better friends to eachother. We have resolved to try to talk about other things (that might be tricky because we are both obsessed about baby-making).

She knows that I will be happy for her if she gets pregnant. I hope she can be happy for me if it happens…..