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I turned 38 this week.

Another year down, and I have to say that this last one was the best ever.  Being Paige’s mother has made this the most amazing year of my life.

I had a lovely day, lunch with some girlfriends and then coffee with another SMC-want-to-be. Her mother and my mother have a mutual friend who put us in touch. She wanted to discuss my experience and I have to say it was rewarding for me to be able to share. I wish I’d had someone to talk to in-real-life before I started TTC.

The carers at daycare made me  a birthday card with Paige’s handprint and lots of glitter – the most beautiful card I have ever been given.

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And my girl crawls now!!

In TTC news, I started on the Pill last week and will start the Synarel on 18 September.

I will be going back to work on July 30 and it is not something that I am looking forward to. I want to stay home forever but finances (or lack of) demand that I must return. Money is the one thing that I really worry about, I wish that I was more financially secure. I have decided to return to work for only 2 days a week and we will be able to get by on that. There will be no spare money but it is a sacrifice that I am prepared to make for the next few years. Being a nurse means that I have an extremely flexible workplace – they are so desperate for staff that they will agree to anything to keep you. I also have the option of returning to fulltime hours anytime if I change my mind. At least my job is recession proof.

Childcare is another factor as it is so expensive (and hard to get). At some point you end up working just to pay for the childcare and that’s just crazy. Paige has been going for about 6 weeks now and she seems to be really enjoying it. There are plenty of activities and she is always smiling, clean and happy when I collect her. She sleeps well when she is there and eats all the food and bottles that I send with her. She doesn’t miss me at all. The staff seem to love her – she is a bit of a rockstar in the nursery. It has given me plenty of time to get used to her going and I feel very comfortable that she is getting excellent care.

Paige is such an amazing little person and she has opened my eyes to a side of life that I never new existed. The love I feel for her is overwelming and it has also made me realise that I don’t think that my family is complete yet.  I am going to try to have another baby. I have been to see my specialist, Dr Jim, and we have decided that another full round of IVF will be done in October. I will start my injections on 1st October. There have been changes in legislation here in Australia that will change the way that IVF is funded starting in January next year. Doing a round in October means that I will also be able to do another in December if it is required before the new rules start. It will be good to start seeing my acupuncture guy again too, I found it very beneficial last time and the research that I have read convinces me that it does improve pregnancy rates.

Paige rejected my breast milk about 4 weeks ago which was very sad for me (that is another post on its own) but it does mean that my cycle has come back and I will be able to proceed with IVF without having to take any extra medications. I will use the time between now and October to try to shed some kilos and get a bit healthier, the gestational diabetes knocked me around last time and Dr Jim says that it will come back again.

I will be 38 in about six weeks and I realise that time is against me. My poor old eggs didn’t do so well in previous rounds but I was lucky enough to get that one little embryo that stuck.

I will go into this next step with hope.

I love staying home with my baby and I am in no rush to get back to work. My finances dictate that I will have to go back around July/August and I am not looking forward to it. I am currently on half-pay maternity and holiday leave which runs out mid-year. I have been managing reasonably well on half-pay so at this stage I will only be doing 2 days a week.

The major obstacle to going back is childcare. It is really difficult to get a place for your child where I live. On one hand I hate the idea of handing her over to strangers for 2 days a week BUT on the other hand I will be desperate and worried if I can’t get a place for her because we need the pay to live. I have been visiting childcare centres and have found a few that seem nice. We are on waiting lists now (have actually been on them since I was 5 months pregnant), with fingers crossed. Some of the people working in them look like teenagers, I like it when they have more mature staff.  The hospital where I work does have a large centre on site and it would be excellent if I can get her in there as I will be able to visit and breastfeed her.

After a conversation with one of the managers I am hoping that if I can get it organised, I will introduce Paige slowly. Just a few hours at first, then half days, then full days. This is for my benefit as well as hers. It is playing on my mind a lot and I think it is going to be quite hard to leave her. I am worrying about something that I can’t avoid. I went to childcare myself and don’t think I’ve turned out any worse for it 😉 but it is the whole trusting other people to do what I want to be doing for myself.

Hopefully this will all happen before August or I really don’t know how we are going to manage financially.