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I got the official word from the clinic today which just confirmed what I already knew. This cycle is over.

What plays most on my mind is that for a number of reasons I can only do 1 more cycle. Knowing that next cycle is my last is worrying. I have to pick myself up and get ready to go again. Will be commencing OCP as soon as AF arrives and hopefully start injections of Puregon and Luveris from 13 November. I am trying not to think too far ahead. Not ready to face what might be if this doesn’t work.

I will put in some photos of my beautiful girl. It is obvious (to me) looking at these why I want another one:

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I turned 38 this week.

Another year down, and I have to say that this last one was the best ever.  Being Paige’s mother has made this the most amazing year of my life.

I had a lovely day, lunch with some girlfriends and then coffee with another SMC-want-to-be. Her mother and my mother have a mutual friend who put us in touch. She wanted to discuss my experience and I have to say it was rewarding for me to be able to share. I wish I’d had someone to talk to in-real-life before I started TTC.

The carers at daycare made me  a birthday card with Paige’s handprint and lots of glitter – the most beautiful card I have ever been given.

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And my girl crawls now!!

In TTC news, I started on the Pill last week and will start the Synarel on 18 September.

I can’t believe my little girl is 6 months old today.

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This has been an amazing month. Paige has changed so much. She laughs, she grabs things with her perfect fingers, she smiles at people she knows. She chatters away and entertains herself. She likes to be sitting up, rather than lying down. She growls at me when I don’t feed her quickly enough. She sleeps through every night. She is a joy. She is all mine and I love her completely.  Here are a few photos of my beautiful girl.

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Her first Easter.

 

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Little dress I made for her.

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Perfect!

I love staying home with my baby and I am in no rush to get back to work. My finances dictate that I will have to go back around July/August and I am not looking forward to it. I am currently on half-pay maternity and holiday leave which runs out mid-year. I have been managing reasonably well on half-pay so at this stage I will only be doing 2 days a week.

The major obstacle to going back is childcare. It is really difficult to get a place for your child where I live. On one hand I hate the idea of handing her over to strangers for 2 days a week BUT on the other hand I will be desperate and worried if I can’t get a place for her because we need the pay to live. I have been visiting childcare centres and have found a few that seem nice. We are on waiting lists now (have actually been on them since I was 5 months pregnant), with fingers crossed. Some of the people working in them look like teenagers, I like it when they have more mature staff.  The hospital where I work does have a large centre on site and it would be excellent if I can get her in there as I will be able to visit and breastfeed her.

After a conversation with one of the managers I am hoping that if I can get it organised, I will introduce Paige slowly. Just a few hours at first, then half days, then full days. This is for my benefit as well as hers. It is playing on my mind a lot and I think it is going to be quite hard to leave her. I am worrying about something that I can’t avoid. I went to childcare myself and don’t think I’ve turned out any worse for it 😉 but it is the whole trusting other people to do what I want to be doing for myself.

Hopefully this will all happen before August or I really don’t know how we are going to manage financially.

I made a little blanket with ribbon tags for Paige to play with. She is really fascinated by what her fingers do. Although this photo might suggest that she thinks they belong in her mouth…

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She seems to like it.

All is well with us. Paige is sleeping well, and I continue to breastfeed and supplement with formula. She is really stacking on the weight now which is great. I can’t believe how much she has changed in just 3 months. Already she seems so big compared to the tiny little baby I brought home from hospital. Her personality is becoming more and more obvious. She doesn’t like to wait – especially for her little top-up bottles. She smiles at me and melts my heart. She is the boss of me and I know it!!

I did take her for her first swim the other day, she looked so cute in her little outfit but I forgot to get a photo. Will be organising swimming lessons for her shortly. They can start learning at 3 months and it is essential for children to learn here as we are always near the water.

I will have to go back to work in a few months and I am starting to get a bit anxious about childcare, will write about that later.

Happy Easter to all.

My little chicky is 3 months old. And it is all still amazing. She holds her head up and smiles at me all the time. Her latest discovery is her hands! She holds onto me when I carry her and she rubs the fabric of her blankets and shirts between her perfect little fingers. Right now I can hear her in the next room ‘talking’ to her bear.

On the TTC front, I am now 99% sure I will be transferring my one little frozen emby in December. In the meantime I have to shift some weight in the hopes of not getting the diabetes back. I have joined WWatchers in an attempt to get motivated and shift it. I am not hugely overweight but in the interests of fitting back into my jeans (AND my health!!) I have to get moving. I would like to start TTC (and go back to work in July) smaller than I was before my BFP.

I live in a beautiful part of the world where it never gets cold! In fact it is too hot (for me) to excercise sometimes. Today I will be meeting up with a girlfriend to do a fast-walk around the river, it is 5 minutes drive from my house and really beautiful. At the end we are planning to swim at the local pools that are riverside. It will be Paige’s first swim. I might post some photos of it tomorrow.

Here is an updated picture of my darling.

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Is that crazy?

Before I had Paige I would have sworn to you that one child is enough. I can support one, I can give one more things, more time, more everything. But pretty much from the moment I saw her I thought that one day she could be all alone.

My family consists of my mother, my sister and me. There are distant (in another country) cousins/aunts/uncles but I have no real relationship and very little contact with them. My sister seems unlikely to have/want children. She is single, 35 and still not sure what she wants.

Paige will have no one in her generation. When we are all old or gone, she might be alone. Hopefully she will have a wonderful relationship and her own children if that is what she wants, but she will have no siblings or cousins that have known her throughout her life.

My sister and have a prickly kind of relationship. We love eachother, we get on great (for a couple of days at a time), after 35 years we both know that short-doses of eachother is what keeps our relationship healthy. We tell eachother things that we would never share with anyone else. The bond with a sibling is a special relationship that I think I want my daughter to have.

I did speak with Dr H at my 6 week check up about having another one.  I have one frozen embryo which has a reasonable chance. He suggested trying to transfer it at the end of this year if I decide to go ahead. WhenI got pregnant I reserved enough donor-sperm to do 3 more rounds of IVF, “just in case”.

Materially it is probably crazy to have another baby BUT I think it might be the best thing to do for my family. I will give myself a bit more time to consider (but not too much, these eggs aren’t getting any younger!).

Is that crazy?

My beautiful girl is more than 2 months old.  I don’t know where the time has gone.

I am feeling much more confident with her and have the start of a routine happening. She is in bed at 7:00 each night and usually only wakes once for a feed. She is finally putting on weight and seems to be a healthy little girl.

Here is a pic of her 2 month birthday (first smile in a photo).

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How about that hair??

Paige is 20 days old today and I can’t remember what life was like before her. Actually I can, that was when I could sleep, relax etc.

She is feeding well after initially losing weight (more than her allowed 10%), I was worried for a while but she seems to be doing well now. I will weigh her again tomorrow. Birth weight was 3280 gms, she dropped to a low 0f 2900 gms, but was back up to 3010 last week.

Breastfeeding is a bit of a nightmare. As I had a breast reduction done 7 years ago there was always some doubt about if I would be able to feed her or not. I was able to express some colostrum when she was in the hospital which was an excellent start. At day 4 my doctor (and the paediatrician) prescribed me some medication to help bring my milk on and had me expressing after every feed. This worked with some success.

I am also taking Fenugreek three times a day to enhance my milk supply. All of this combined with 3-hourly feeds, expressing and also topping her up on demand, I am exhausted. My poor nipples were so sore and damaged from all of this attention that I have now resorted to nipple shields (they have really saved the day) and I am able to feed her quite well, although I do wish there was a gauge on the boobs and the baby so I could know for sure if she is getting enough. I so hope she gains weight this week.

Paige has been a reasonably settled baby except for the last couple of days. I can’t leave her to cry and find myself picking her up all of the time. Once again, exhausting. At night she sleeps in my room – in a bassinet or a co-sleeper that I have next to me – I found this easier as the pain from the c/section really made it hard for me to get out of bed.

My weight seems to be coming off well. In all I gained 12 kgs (27 lbs)  during the pregnancy and have lost all of that except the last 3 kgs (6 lbs). This still leaves me with another 13 kgs to go – thanks IVF and comfort eating!! I will be taking Paige, the dog, and the pram out for walks soon, and will be joining Weightwatchers for the millionth time, I have to get fit and healthy for this little girl. I want to be a yummy mummy.

I find myself holding her in my arms and I almost can’t believe she is mine. She is sleeping now, I might take the opportunity to have a shower….