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I got the official word from the clinic today which just confirmed what I already knew. This cycle is over.

What plays most on my mind is that for a number of reasons I can only do 1 more cycle. Knowing that next cycle is my last is worrying. I have to pick myself up and get ready to go again. Will be commencing OCP as soon as AF arrives and hopefully start injections of Puregon and Luveris from 13 November. I am trying not to think too far ahead. Not ready to face what might be if this doesn’t work.

I will put in some photos of my beautiful girl. It is obvious (to me) looking at these why I want another one:

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I started my current round of IVF 8 days ago and today it was cancelled.

I have had absolutely no response to the Gonal f – was on 450iui – I am really shocked that nothing happened, nothing at all.

The real kick in the guts is that my FS suspects ovarian failure and is predicting menopause by the time I reach early 40’s. I am 38 now. This has been devastating news. I don’t think I truly realised how much I want this next baby until the chance was taken away.

This cancelled cycle is being changed to a FET to give my one lonely frozen embryo a chance. I have one week to grow a lining (on Progynova 4 times daily) Dr is not hopeful and he doesn’t give the embryo (a Day 3-er) much of a chance at surviving the thaw. I will try to not pin all of my hopes on this but I am glad that this little one is getting a chance.

We will review my situation after this. Dr has seen some success in “under-responders” with the use of Puregon/Follistim 600iui plus Luveris. This combination is supposed to increase quality and quantity, I don’t know anything about it yet. Will have to do some research.

I thank the universe for my miracle girl and now I wait.

Nancy  asked a question on my last entry about would other people at an IVF information session think that my Mum was my partner? parent? whatever…  It got me thinking.

Do I care what “other people” think? I have never known anyone who had become a single mother by choice using IVF as their method. I have only told a few friends and Mum that this is what I am doing.

Mum is excited. Most of my friends are soooooo positive and hopeful for me. My oldest friend (who I blogged about in earlier entries) has not been happy. We caught up last weekend and she made small-talk before finally asking me about the doctors appointment. She was shocked! stunned! and not happy that I was going to be doing IVF in February (her and her man are having a break until they go again in April). I don’t get it.

I have made the decision that my kid/s will know where they came from. I will be including the word donor into our family story from the beginning. It will be open, it will be nothing to be embarrassed about, it will just be the way that it is. I will be open with people who care about me/us, I will tell others to mind their own business.

I wonder what others do.

I have been sick from work today. Have had a killer headache for the last 2 days. Think it must have been a cycle-related thing as it disappeared today with the arrival of AF – I was glad to see the start of this period as it is the start of the IVF process for me. Have been cruising through a lot of blogs and reading about the IVF journey of other women/couples. There are not many single women stories…

So many sad stories, happy endings, multiple births, never-ending journeys – I really don’t know if it good for me to read so many – I feel for these people, I start to worry about things that haven’t happened. I am a lurker on many blogs – I rarely comment, do others do that? I guess people put it out there because they want to share it, I started this blog to document the journey, maybe it might be interesting to someone.

I called Nurse Judy today and we discussed what is going to happen over the next 6 weeks. She will be in my town from 29 Jan and is running an information session for “first-cyclers”. I asked the clinic recptionist if I could bring someone along, and she said that partners were welcome – Hello!! No Partner, anyhoo…. – she said I can bring anyone I like – I will take Mum along. Gave Mum all of the literature that the clinic had sent so she is totally up on the “ins-and-outs” (so to speak) of the IVF process that I will be doing.

Judy will be sending me a copy of my plan and all of the contracts and consent forms in the next week or so. I will have an appointment with her Jan 30 to pick up my medications (and make the payment – owch!). Will double check that I still have the same donor sperm available.

This is my big chance, I have hope that this will work. I might make a baby this year!!! OMG! 

The appointment with Dr H went unbelievably well!! I had all of my options ready to discuss with him and he says:

“Why don’t we just go straight to IVF?”

I couldn’t believe it. I am so happy. This will be my best chance – 40% success rate for each transfer. He is happy for it to be Medicare funded – “Because of your age” – never thought I would be so happy to be considered OLD (at 36…). He also agreed to transfer 2 embryos. It is all good!!

I will be out of pocket about the same as an IUI. This is just fantastic news. I am so excited.

The IVF clinic is closed until Monday – will ring Judy then – Dr H agrees that she is not very flexible – he says he with deal with her if she has any issues with this. Woo hoo!! 

I might be a Mummy this year. Happy New Year.

I have an appointment with Dr H on Wednesday.  I want to talk about getting a plan together. I am still getting conflicting stories from him and the IVF company….

Option 1

  • IUI in late January – depending on my cycle – 8hr drive to their clinic – overnight at a motel – Mum will come with me and share the drive – Full payment
  • IVF in April – Medicare funded

Option 2

  • IUI in February when they will be in my town – Full payment
  • IVF in April – Medicare funded (hopefully)

Option 3

  • IUI in their town – 8 hour drive  – full payment

AND (if not successful)

  • IUI in February when they will be in my town – hopefully Medicare funded
  • IVF in April – Medicare funded
The expense is a killer!! It is not fair. The Australian government wants us to all go out and multiply – they pay a big fat bonus for actually having a baby ($5000 in 2008) – they should make this easier for any person (married, single, other) to access government subsidised medical treatment. The out-of-pocket expenses still run into $000’s but anything would help.
My budget is limited – I would hate to think that my money ran out before my dream came true.
I have a feeling that Dr H may want to do some investigative surgery – I hope not – before commiting to IVF. I will have to wait and see what he has to say on Wednesday.
The not knowing and waiting is driving me mad. I know it is only early days but I do not want to become one of “those” women who constantly obsess about this.

I finally heard from my friend L a few days ago. She sent me a text asking if I would like to meet her and her man for breakfast at a cafe in town.

The text was breezy, friendly, normal…. I ignored it. I was angry, I was upset, I was confused, I wanted her to talk about what was going on. It was not going to happen at a cafe – there WAS going to be tears (and maybe harsh words).

She phoned me yesterday to confirm breakfast and I told her I wouldn’t be going. She wanted to drop off some Christmas stuff so we arranged for her to come to my house in the afternoon.

There were tears, there were harsh words, more tears, many apologies, much regret, and a lot of talking and clearing of the air. I am exhausted, spent….

She had been shocked and upset after thinking about my big announcement to have a baby. I don’t agree with it, BUT I can understand it.

She had received bad news about her own cycle (none of her eggs fertilised). She didn’t want to talk about it at the time, I understand that too, BUT to push me away when I also needed her really hurt, she understands that now.

She knows that I have been there month after month for her, she knows that I was so hurt that she wasn’t there for me.

She also knows that I feel very alone and that talking to her was one thing that I had been counting on – I am still struggling with trusting her with that now.

We have resolved to be better friends to eachother. We have resolved to try to talk about other things (that might be tricky because we are both obsessed about baby-making).

She knows that I will be happy for her if she gets pregnant. I hope she can be happy for me if it happens…..

Well this was not the month for my maybe-baby. Very disappointed.

I dont’ think I really believed that the IUI was going to work but it was the hoping that has left me feeling so let down.

Am going to have a natural cycle this month and then start the hormones again in January.

Today’s blood test has come back with a result of 341 – they are apparently quite happy with this doubling (from 171, and 75) and think that by Monday there will be something worthwhile to look at on an ultrasound. My puregon dose is to stay where it is.

Three nice juicy follicles will be just fine thanks!! Judy (the IVF nurse) says the insemination should be later in the week if everything continues as it its.

Well…… I have had an absolute shit of a day.  Finally got on to Dr H, who wasn’t sure why I was calling (IVF nurse had told me to!!!).

Yes. He did have my blood results.

Him: “NO. You don’t seem to be responding, increase your dose”

Me: “So what is my oestrogen level?”

Him: “75, I would like it to be higher”

Me: “Oh, really. What should it be?”

Him: “I’d like to see it at about 1000”

FUCKING WHAT???

Me: “What is wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me? Why? What? Huh?”

Him: “It’s just your age”

End of phone call. Many tears…..

I have old, wrinkled ovaries, maybe they can’t make eggs. I feel gutted.  I am having fertility treatment because I don’t have a man. I had never considered – not in my heart – that there really might be a problem.

Dr H told me at my first appointment that IVF was an option if there were difficulties…..

Will increase the dose of Puregon tonight, next blood test on Thursday. Hopefully I’m just a late bloomer.