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I got the official word from the clinic today which just confirmed what I already knew. This cycle is over.

What plays most on my mind is that for a number of reasons I can only do 1 more cycle. Knowing that next cycle is my last is worrying. I have to pick myself up and get ready to go again. Will be commencing OCP as soon as AF arrives and hopefully start injections of Puregon and Luveris from 13 November. I am trying not to think too far ahead. Not ready to face what might be if this doesn’t work.

I will put in some photos of my beautiful girl. It is obvious (to me) looking at these why I want another one:

I am 10 days past a Day 3 Transfer.

A lot has happened since my last post. I commenced the Progynova after the non-response/cancelled IVF in hopes of growing a thick enough lining to maybe do a FET.  A week later, miracle of all miracles my lining was thick enough.

The FET was booked to use my one and only frozen embryo. They thawed in on the Sunday afternoon with hopes of doing transfer on Monday. It was another long shot buy my dear little embryo thawed beautifully with no damage at all. 

On Monday 19 October the embryo was transferred (the scientist told me it had started compacting and was as good as an embryo can be!), I am now at Day 10 of the 2ww. I tested this morning a got a BFN – I am hoping it is just too early to tell, I waver between hope and sadness. I know that if I do not get a BFP that December will be my last chance of ever having another baby.

I really hope this miracle embryo sticks.

I started my current round of IVF 8 days ago and today it was cancelled.

I have had absolutely no response to the Gonal f – was on 450iui – I am really shocked that nothing happened, nothing at all.

The real kick in the guts is that my FS suspects ovarian failure and is predicting menopause by the time I reach early 40’s. I am 38 now. This has been devastating news. I don’t think I truly realised how much I want this next baby until the chance was taken away.

This cancelled cycle is being changed to a FET to give my one lonely frozen embryo a chance. I have one week to grow a lining (on Progynova 4 times daily) Dr is not hopeful and he doesn’t give the embryo (a Day 3-er) much of a chance at surviving the thaw. I will try to not pin all of my hopes on this but I am glad that this little one is getting a chance.

We will review my situation after this. Dr has seen some success in “under-responders” with the use of Puregon/Follistim 600iui plus Luveris. This combination is supposed to increase quality and quantity, I don’t know anything about it yet. Will have to do some research.

I thank the universe for my miracle girl and now I wait.

I will be going back to work on July 30 and it is not something that I am looking forward to. I want to stay home forever but finances (or lack of) demand that I must return. Money is the one thing that I really worry about, I wish that I was more financially secure. I have decided to return to work for only 2 days a week and we will be able to get by on that. There will be no spare money but it is a sacrifice that I am prepared to make for the next few years. Being a nurse means that I have an extremely flexible workplace – they are so desperate for staff that they will agree to anything to keep you. I also have the option of returning to fulltime hours anytime if I change my mind. At least my job is recession proof.

Childcare is another factor as it is so expensive (and hard to get). At some point you end up working just to pay for the childcare and that’s just crazy. Paige has been going for about 6 weeks now and she seems to be really enjoying it. There are plenty of activities and she is always smiling, clean and happy when I collect her. She sleeps well when she is there and eats all the food and bottles that I send with her. She doesn’t miss me at all. The staff seem to love her – she is a bit of a rockstar in the nursery. It has given me plenty of time to get used to her going and I feel very comfortable that she is getting excellent care.

Paige is such an amazing little person and she has opened my eyes to a side of life that I never new existed. The love I feel for her is overwelming and it has also made me realise that I don’t think that my family is complete yet.  I am going to try to have another baby. I have been to see my specialist, Dr Jim, and we have decided that another full round of IVF will be done in October. I will start my injections on 1st October. There have been changes in legislation here in Australia that will change the way that IVF is funded starting in January next year. Doing a round in October means that I will also be able to do another in December if it is required before the new rules start. It will be good to start seeing my acupuncture guy again too, I found it very beneficial last time and the research that I have read convinces me that it does improve pregnancy rates.

Paige rejected my breast milk about 4 weeks ago which was very sad for me (that is another post on its own) but it does mean that my cycle has come back and I will be able to proceed with IVF without having to take any extra medications. I will use the time between now and October to try to shed some kilos and get a bit healthier, the gestational diabetes knocked me around last time and Dr Jim says that it will come back again.

I will be 38 in about six weeks and I realise that time is against me. My poor old eggs didn’t do so well in previous rounds but I was lucky enough to get that one little embryo that stuck.

I will go into this next step with hope.

Is that crazy?

Before I had Paige I would have sworn to you that one child is enough. I can support one, I can give one more things, more time, more everything. But pretty much from the moment I saw her I thought that one day she could be all alone.

My family consists of my mother, my sister and me. There are distant (in another country) cousins/aunts/uncles but I have no real relationship and very little contact with them. My sister seems unlikely to have/want children. She is single, 35 and still not sure what she wants.

Paige will have no one in her generation. When we are all old or gone, she might be alone. Hopefully she will have a wonderful relationship and her own children if that is what she wants, but she will have no siblings or cousins that have known her throughout her life.

My sister and have a prickly kind of relationship. We love eachother, we get on great (for a couple of days at a time), after 35 years we both know that short-doses of eachother is what keeps our relationship healthy. We tell eachother things that we would never share with anyone else. The bond with a sibling is a special relationship that I think I want my daughter to have.

I did speak with Dr H at my 6 week check up about having another one.  I have one frozen embryo which has a reasonable chance. He suggested trying to transfer it at the end of this year if I decide to go ahead. WhenI got pregnant I reserved enough donor-sperm to do 3 more rounds of IVF, “just in case”.

Materially it is probably crazy to have another baby BUT I think it might be the best thing to do for my family. I will give myself a bit more time to consider (but not too much, these eggs aren’t getting any younger!).

Is that crazy?

Had my last OB appointment today with Dr H at his rooms. The next time we meet will be at the hospital for the c/section. He is pleased with my progress, my fundus measures 38cm which is good, the baby is sitting up very high under my ribs – no where near engaging yet (he strongly doubts that this will change between now and the 6th), BP is unremarkable and diabetes is reasonably well controlled.

I am tired and uncomfortable – my hat goes off to the women who work up until this far. I am just waiting now. Waiting to meet my daughter. I think her name is Paige.

I will try to keep my self distracted this week, will organise to catch up with a few friends, have a beautician’s appointment for some waxing. Will have a few naps. Will pack my bag. Will just keep waiting.

I am ready.

I have been really slack with my blogging lately – but I am still reading. Some of my pregnant bloggies have found out the genders of their babies which is just lovely. Others are still on their IF journey and don’t seem to be holding up so well. Others remain positive and hopeful. I send my good wishes and thoughts to all of them. It makes me appreciate how lucky I am to be able to say that I am now 15.5 weeks. I try to be a loyal reader (if not so good at always commenting) but some of the negativity gets to me and I don’t want to read in the blogs of others about “smug fertiles” and the horrors of seeing pregnant women around. Or, are pregnant women who have conceived by IF treatment OK, somehow acceptable??
Don’t get me wrong – I am no Pollyanna, I am not all sunshine and roses. I have lost a friend (a 20 year friendship) IRL because of my wishing to attempt IVF, the lack of support astounds me. I can truly understand the disappointment of failed attempts. I do understand the longing and the wanting for ones own child. I cannot understand the begruding of another womans desire to be a mother, or her success at becoming pregnant (regardless of the circumstances). 

I am happy in myself and generally well, but I have no energy and I feel tired most of the time. Work has become an issue as the sights and smells (in the operating room) are making the nausea worse. I have spoken to my boss and will be starting a new position in the Recovery area tomorrow.  It should be much better. I will be able to sit more and will not have to face most of the smells which seem to make me feel sick.

My amniocentesis is scheduled for Wednesday and I am anxious about that. Dr H wants me to take it easy so I will have Wed-Fri off work. I am terrified of a bad result but also excited that I will be able to find out the sex of the baby. I had a dream a few nights ago that they told me it was a girl – I woke up so happy.

Mum and I had a look at prams and cots today – so many to choose from – who would have thought? It is confusing trying to decide. I will not be buying anything until my amnio results are in. Please send me good vibes for Wednesday.

I had a bit of a scare this week. Stopped using the progesterone on Tuesday and then had some spotting last night. 

Have been to see my doctor this morning and he has reassured me that all is well.  I got to see the baby again – it has arms and legs – it was moving alot and it’s heartbeat was really fast. I think it waved at me – such a relief.

I don’t go back to see Dr H again until 16 July now. He is quite happy with the way everything is going. Said he is more than happy for me to come and see him whenever I have any concerns. He said if a quick scan will reassure me then he is fine with that. At my next appointment we will schedule the amniocentesis, that will be scary.

The all-day-morning-sickness lingers on. I hope that it will come to an end soon.

And all is well. 

I have recently told 2 people at work that I am pregnant and the responses were both immediately positive – congratulations, wonderful news….. followed by “I didn’t know you had a partner/boyfriend”.

I didn’t really mind the question, I can understand the curiosity. But it was surprising that the question came up so quickly. I was planning on being fairly open about the IVF but it has made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I just said that I really wanted a baby so I decided to do IVF and left it at that.

I guess I don’t mind the question from people I like, but from those I don’t know so well?? I’m not sure.

I think I need to come up with some quick answers for these people.

Great appointment with Dr H, he was so happy for me. This is the first time I have seen him since the embryo transfer. He was great. The scan shows baby is 7 weeks exactly. It was amazing to see it’s little flickering heartbeat. It was super fast and Dr H is pleased with that too.

He has recommended the following treatment for me:

4 weekly appointments until week 32 (then more often)

Week 12 – more bloodwork & Scan (Nuchal Translucency)

Week 15/16 amniocentesis

Week 20 – Scan (morphology, development assessment)

Week 26 – Glucose tolerance test

Week 36-40 – Blood tests – antibody screen & iron studies

 

My due date is 15 January 2009. All is well with my world.