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Acupuncture again today – the usual.  He did some extra work on me to try to relieve the Synarel headaches – it has worked – I don’t have one now.

Had a blood test on Monday to confirm E2 (estradiol) level – the clinic are happy with anything under 200 – my result was 50. My system is suppressed – all good. This means that I now start the stimulation phase with the Puregon commencing tomorrow night.  I have high hopes that the increased dose will really give my system a kick so that I can make a decent number of mature eggs. I have requested an extra blood test after dose 5 to check that my E2 is rising at a good rate. The only concern here is the increased symptoms – bloating, discomfort, pain etc… small price to pay I tell myself.

I still have the one lonely little frozen embryo – this new batch (thinking positive) will be from the same donor – I am glad about this as they will be ‘full’ siblings. The clinic have advised that I can keep using this donor until he reaches his quota of 10 families. If I get embryos to the frozen stage this time I will organise to store some of the sperm for future use. I only have to pay for the storage – not the actual sperm – until it is used. I do wonder about the donor – I hope me and my-maybe-baby get to meet him one day.

Weight loss is continuing – I will start to post regularly – it will hopefully keep me on track.

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Nancy  asked a question on my last entry about would other people at an IVF information session think that my Mum was my partner? parent? whatever…  It got me thinking.

Do I care what “other people” think? I have never known anyone who had become a single mother by choice using IVF as their method. I have only told a few friends and Mum that this is what I am doing.

Mum is excited. Most of my friends are soooooo positive and hopeful for me. My oldest friend (who I blogged about in earlier entries) has not been happy. We caught up last weekend and she made small-talk before finally asking me about the doctors appointment. She was shocked! stunned! and not happy that I was going to be doing IVF in February (her and her man are having a break until they go again in April). I don’t get it.

I have made the decision that my kid/s will know where they came from. I will be including the word donor into our family story from the beginning. It will be open, it will be nothing to be embarrassed about, it will just be the way that it is. I will be open with people who care about me/us, I will tell others to mind their own business.

I wonder what others do.

Today I had the IUI. The sperm looked like half a teaspoon of clear fluid – ‘very concentrated’ the nurse said. Just one lucky swimmer I thought to myself – please, please, please.

It wasn’t as humiliating as I thought it might be. It didn’t hurt. It was over very quickly. I even let the nurse practice on me…

It was a little sad. I was lying on the bed thinking that this really isn’t the best way to make a baby. God I hope it works. Have a long 2 week wait to see if it has worked.

My stomach has been bloated and I have been feeling puffy and emotional for over a week now. My left side is sore (that was were the 2 little follicles were), more so than the right. I guess it feels a bit pre-menstrual, have been eating like a horse, and getting upset about the little stuff.

Have been upset about some big stuff too. One of my ‘besties’ – a girl I have been friends with since we were 15 (21 years now) has been having IVF treatment for over a year now. They haven’t had any luck and she gets more brittle and shrill with every attempt. I have been there for her, I have heard blow by blow descriptions – of the sex, the procedures etc etc, I have really listened.

If I was to narrow it down to what got me to this point I would say it was turning 36, it was my dog dying (he was not a substitute for a baby BUT I loved him), and it was L’s troubles getting pregnant – all of this got me to where I thought – it is now or never – “YOU are getting too OLD” – my ovaries are shrivelling, my eggs are drying out. So I went to see the doctor.

I really debated and struggled about telling her my plans, I was worried about how she would react (my subconscious told me that she would not be happy – every thing always has to be about her) – she had said negative things about other pregnant women before (because of her own frustrations). It took me weeks to get the courage up – I even told her in public so she wouldn’t react too badly – she didn’t, she was excited, she celebrated, she said all the right things – and then she didn’t call for over a month….

It was her birthday last week and I tried for days to get in touch – I think she was screening her calls – she finally arranged for us to catch up (and then included another friend of hers who I do not know) for lunch. When I moved back to this town a few years ago she never wanted to include me with her ‘new’ friends. She is very image conscious and I have never felt ‘cool’ enough to be introduced – she absolutely feels part of the IN crowd – whatever that means.

On Monday she had her egg pick-up – it must have gone badly as she called and cancelled our lunch on Tuesday. I texted and tried to call. She hung up on me. I KNOW that this is a sad time for her, I KNOW she is feeling like shit, she is vulnerable/miserable/depressed. BUT I think the friendship has changed, I think it changed the moment I told her that I was about to start fertility treatment to have my own family.

I have always been the friend who has listened  ad nauseum to her stories about herself – I resent the disapproval that I feel is coming my way (it may all be in my head).

Maybe it is the hormones – we are both full of them. I think I am losing my friend – and I think I might be ready to let her go… it is sad – we will see what happens.

The sperm donor that I have chosen is:

Caucasian Australian – like me

185cm tall – not like me – some tall genes are a good thing

Slim – like me – (IF I got my butt out of the kitchen and went jogging)

Fair – like me

Brown eyes – like me

Brown hair – like me

Under 40 – like me

He likes music, movies, reading, travel and internet – like me

He works in telecommunications.

He sounds good on paper, he likes what I like.

I hope we make a beautiful baby together. I hope my child and I can meet him one day to thank him for his amazing generosity and for making my dream come true.