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I got the official word from the clinic today which just confirmed what I already knew. This cycle is over.

What plays most on my mind is that for a number of reasons I can only do 1 more cycle. Knowing that next cycle is my last is worrying. I have to pick myself up and get ready to go again. Will be commencing OCP as soon as AF arrives and hopefully start injections of Puregon and Luveris from 13 November. I am trying not to think too far ahead. Not ready to face what might be if this doesn’t work.

I will put in some photos of my beautiful girl. It is obvious (to me) looking at these why I want another one:

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I am 10 days past a Day 3 Transfer.

A lot has happened since my last post. I commenced the Progynova after the non-response/cancelled IVF in hopes of growing a thick enough lining to maybe do a FET.  A week later, miracle of all miracles my lining was thick enough.

The FET was booked to use my one and only frozen embryo. They thawed in on the Sunday afternoon with hopes of doing transfer on Monday. It was another long shot buy my dear little embryo thawed beautifully with no damage at all. 

On Monday 19 October the embryo was transferred (the scientist told me it had started compacting and was as good as an embryo can be!), I am now at Day 10 of the 2ww. I tested this morning a got a BFN – I am hoping it is just too early to tell, I waver between hope and sadness. I know that if I do not get a BFP that December will be my last chance of ever having another baby.

I really hope this miracle embryo sticks.

I started my current round of IVF 8 days ago and today it was cancelled.

I have had absolutely no response to the Gonal f – was on 450iui – I am really shocked that nothing happened, nothing at all.

The real kick in the guts is that my FS suspects ovarian failure and is predicting menopause by the time I reach early 40’s. I am 38 now. This has been devastating news. I don’t think I truly realised how much I want this next baby until the chance was taken away.

This cancelled cycle is being changed to a FET to give my one lonely frozen embryo a chance. I have one week to grow a lining (on Progynova 4 times daily) Dr is not hopeful and he doesn’t give the embryo (a Day 3-er) much of a chance at surviving the thaw. I will try to not pin all of my hopes on this but I am glad that this little one is getting a chance.

We will review my situation after this. Dr has seen some success in “under-responders” with the use of Puregon/Follistim 600iui plus Luveris. This combination is supposed to increase quality and quantity, I don’t know anything about it yet. Will have to do some research.

I thank the universe for my miracle girl and now I wait.

I will be going back to work on July 30 and it is not something that I am looking forward to. I want to stay home forever but finances (or lack of) demand that I must return. Money is the one thing that I really worry about, I wish that I was more financially secure. I have decided to return to work for only 2 days a week and we will be able to get by on that. There will be no spare money but it is a sacrifice that I am prepared to make for the next few years. Being a nurse means that I have an extremely flexible workplace – they are so desperate for staff that they will agree to anything to keep you. I also have the option of returning to fulltime hours anytime if I change my mind. At least my job is recession proof.

Childcare is another factor as it is so expensive (and hard to get). At some point you end up working just to pay for the childcare and that’s just crazy. Paige has been going for about 6 weeks now and she seems to be really enjoying it. There are plenty of activities and she is always smiling, clean and happy when I collect her. She sleeps well when she is there and eats all the food and bottles that I send with her. She doesn’t miss me at all. The staff seem to love her – she is a bit of a rockstar in the nursery. It has given me plenty of time to get used to her going and I feel very comfortable that she is getting excellent care.

Paige is such an amazing little person and she has opened my eyes to a side of life that I never new existed. The love I feel for her is overwelming and it has also made me realise that I don’t think that my family is complete yet.  I am going to try to have another baby. I have been to see my specialist, Dr Jim, and we have decided that another full round of IVF will be done in October. I will start my injections on 1st October. There have been changes in legislation here in Australia that will change the way that IVF is funded starting in January next year. Doing a round in October means that I will also be able to do another in December if it is required before the new rules start. It will be good to start seeing my acupuncture guy again too, I found it very beneficial last time and the research that I have read convinces me that it does improve pregnancy rates.

Paige rejected my breast milk about 4 weeks ago which was very sad for me (that is another post on its own) but it does mean that my cycle has come back and I will be able to proceed with IVF without having to take any extra medications. I will use the time between now and October to try to shed some kilos and get a bit healthier, the gestational diabetes knocked me around last time and Dr Jim says that it will come back again.

I will be 38 in about six weeks and I realise that time is against me. My poor old eggs didn’t do so well in previous rounds but I was lucky enough to get that one little embryo that stuck.

I will go into this next step with hope.

Great appointment with Dr H, he was so happy for me. This is the first time I have seen him since the embryo transfer. He was great. The scan shows baby is 7 weeks exactly. It was amazing to see it’s little flickering heartbeat. It was super fast and Dr H is pleased with that too.

He has recommended the following treatment for me:

4 weekly appointments until week 32 (then more often)

Week 12 – more bloodwork & Scan (Nuchal Translucency)

Week 15/16 amniocentesis

Week 20 – Scan (morphology, development assessment)

Week 26 – Glucose tolerance test

Week 36-40 – Blood tests – antibody screen & iron studies

 

My due date is 15 January 2009. All is well with my world.

Are feeling of doubt and worry normal? I mean do women who fall pregant naturally, rather than through fertility treatments have less doubts and worry? Does not going through the turmoil of treatment give a woman a different perspective on being pregnant?

Does the process of trying so hard, the planning, the appointments, the blood tests, the drugs, the injections, the hopes and disappointments all contribute to making the woman more unsure? Not unsure about wanting to be pregnant – I very much want to be pregnant – but more unsure that everything might not be ok.

Reading blogs is a double edged sword for me. I value the experience, the advice and the support, but I dread the sad stories, the unhappy endings. I invest myself in the stories of these women and I hope for them. I follow their attempts, rejoice at the success and feel the losses. I won’t stop reading because not knowing would be worse than knowing.

Does more information and shared experiences contribute to my own concerns – about getting pregnant, about staying pregnant, about a healthly child, about coping as a single parent? I imagine as my pregnancy progresses my concerns will shift with each stage – at this point I cannot get past next Wednesdays ultrasound (seeing a heartbeat will reassure).

After much panic and nervous waiting I got the results of my second blood test – the results are FANTASTIC!

HCG = 5100 (has doubled in 2 days)

Progesterone = 43 (up from 10)

Spotting has stopped, I have started to breath again.

Thanks for the kind comments from all of my regular readers (I have had more support here than I have IRL).

The progesterone pessaries have obviously done the trick, I will continue to use them until I see Dr H for my first ultrasound on 28th May. Dr H will be my obstetrician as well.

Yesterday I went to see my acu-guy Michael, he was so pleased – hugs all around. He has prescribed me some herbs that he swears offer good support for pregnancy – “an gong gu tai fang” – it fortifies the foetus and is prescribed for threatened miscarriage or habitual miscarriage. Might go in for a relaxation session as well.

At this point I will do anything – stand on my head for 6 hours, whatever it takes.

Thanks again for the kind words and for the other 400 or so people that have looked at this blog in the last few days – say hello!! I put it out there to share and get the feedback – I would love to know who you are, what your thoughts are.

I am feeling sick with worry.

I had my second beta today and the result is 2506 which is great but my progesterone has dropped to 10 – I am having a small amount of spotting (not on my knickers but on the TP) I really am terrified now.

My doctor has put me back on to progesterone pessaries which a manufacturing pharmacist is mixing up for me today. I have used a Crinone Gel this afternoon and another tonight in the hopes of increasing the level ASAP.

The clinic want me to have another blood test on Friday to confirm that the progesterone is rising. I think I will know before then if I am going to keep this pregnancy. I have taken the next 2 days off work.

Please send me your good thoughts.

 

Today was one of my best days at work ever.

I am a scrub nurse in theatre and have seen quite a few caesarian births (by just being in the room at the time) BUT yesterday I scrubbed for my first one. Being up close and being able to see everything that was happening was amazing (and brutal – poor Mum), as they pulled the sweet little girl out and rested her on her mother I put out my hands to hold her in place while the surgeons were taking care of the cord. She reached out and held my finger.

I was the first person that this little girl touched. It was very sweet. I felt quite emotional.

My whole world is very much pregnancy and baby focussed. I remain stunned by my good fortune but also terrified that something may go wrong.

It is confirmed – I am pregnant, with child, a bun is in the oven!!

The clinic advise:

Beta HCG = 142

Progesterone = 34.2

They date me at 4 weeks – not exactly sure how that works – must go back to last AF.

It feels surreal. I am excited, and so happy, but scared. I think I will feel this way for some time yet.